By Brandon Jamil
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We’ve all had that one flake contact us, and the more we invest into the conversation or situation, the less we seem to get back. Sometimes, we ponder if our dating strategy is working, and why we’re not garnering the results we wish to have. This person is randomly contacting us, but it never seems to lead anywhere, so we delete the message and move on. This is until he chooses to get back in contact with us, and suddenly we have amnesia and respond. We refer to this man as a bread crumber.
Bread crumbing is a tactic that’s enacted to keep you positioned as a place holder. When his main partner is not available, when his side piece is occupied, and when he is running low on options he has you positioned to be available for him. This is to say, you’re his toy that he can pick up and put away at any given moment. He delights knowing that he has you exactly where he wants you; stuck and always wanting more. In-which makes you chase for his attention and time. This man has no intent on creating anything meaningful with you. Matter of fact, you serve as the very last resort in his mind. When we’re experiencing bread crumbing, we believe that at some point our efforts will eventually pay off. Sometimes we’ll make excuses for the bread crumber. We must ask ourselves why we choose to invest on any level with a man that is bread crumbing us? Why are we choosing to deny ourselves a fulfilling and mutually benefiting dating life?
First, we must realize that we’re being bread crumbed by someone. If someone enters our life and communicates with us, but has no follow through, refuses to speak clearly, moves too slow, and doesn’t make definite plans— we must choose to remove ourselves from that person. Our need for certainty and promise can keep us stuck dealing with individuals who truly don’t have our best interest. Individuals who bread crumb understand that we have the need for certainty and promise from them, and the simply refuse to provide us with any clarity.
These individuals also know how to tap into the subconscious mind, and if your programming is set to wait around for attention, affection, care, and love— then you make the perfect candidate for the bread crumber. This individual isn’t required to provide anything but a few words to string you along. You’re demonstrating to them that there’s no consequence for not following through. More importantly, you’re enforcing and affirming your own subconscious beliefs that you deserve poor treatment; through your actions that it’s okay for anyone to come, and go into your life as they wish. We must be willing to show someone the door when they don’t wish to step up to the plate.
As I’ve mentioned above, we must take a realistic look at our actions, and how we’re enabling perpetrators in our lives. we must take accountability for not only allowing a tacky person into our space, but giving them the breathing room to conduct this savage behavior. Why do we have such poor boundaries? Why do we allow ourselves to hurt? Why are we allowing ourselves to be someone emotional punching bag?
Getting to the root of patterns that shape our life doesn’t always feel good. However, only you can set the tone of your life, because you are the authority over your life. This means we hold ourselves to our highest value, and we must be honest about what we’re willing to accept. It’s true that we can’t control the will of another human being, but we can control how we navigate our life. t’s easier to rid any perpetrators from our life when we’ve stopped perpetrating our own life.
I would also recommend having strong boundaries. Boundaries that you don’t fall back on, and you use them as your honor system. Your honor system is now your navigational tool. Ask yourself: Is this person adding value to my life in any way? If so they are in alignment with your honor system, because you won’t ever be in a position to betray yourself. If they aren’t in alignment with my honor system, am I willing to remove them from my space?
If you happen to sway on your boundaries, you now have to take full responsibility for the consequences. The blame can’t be misplaced on someone else. I know it sounds harsh, but our goal is to build ourselves, and not allow ourselves to be a victim. Boundaries allow us to feel safe and secure without the need of another persons approval or actions. We feel safe and secure because we’ve done the work to stand strong within our boundaries.
Being bread crumbed and being placed can take a toll on our self esteem. That is of course, if we place our value based on the actions and behavior of others. It’s important to always know that our value and sense of worth doesn’t derive from another persons actions. The moment we shut the door on people who are dead weight and don’t have any value in our lives, we then open ourselves to new experiences.
We are worth the consist effort it in-order for someone to earn our trust. We’re worth time, attention, and affection without feeling as if we’re begging or waiting for someone to see us. As we look at how we enable the perpetrators in our life, and begin to set boundaries, we’re in-fact cutting loose from toxic holding patterns and allowing ourselves to be loved the way we wish.
Be loved, and be well.