By: Brandon Jamil
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We’re told we’re beautiful or handsome, some men want to demonstrate their humor, and ask us personal questions in attempts to create some emotional closeness. Disgusted by the entire process, we slowly back out of online dating; we login less, give less power to it in our lives and we’re content (so we tell ourselves). Out of no-where Casanova comes to our aide. Casanova tends to be masculine, he wants to spoil us, he smoothly gives compliments, he’s balanced, and he has no problem with providing us with a level of consistency we’re yearning for. The problem is… He lives thousands of miles away. We found the man of our dreams, and we don’t know what to do.
Pursue him or drop him like a bad habit?
The problem with pursuing long-distance relationships is—there’s no real-life experience involved. Over the phone, sweet pillow talk, flirting, and facetime doesn’t equate to an in-person encounter. Although, it feels magical finally talking with someone who affirms, validates our self-worth over the phone; we must ask ourselves how practical this is. What are we truly expecting to get out of this situation? If you’re just looking for a casual long-distance dating mate (because you travel to that location often) then have at it. However, if you’re looking for commitment, I’d advise you to truly take your time and not make this phone relationship more than what it is. Ask yourself: “Is he coming to see me? Am I going to go see him?” Get clear on this, immediately. You don’t want to end up being his emotional tampon. You don’t want to find yourself falling victim to emotional manipulation. Emotional manipulation within long distance relationship manifests itself as someone promising you the world but has no follow through. Also, it can mean being strung along (bread crumbing) we’re going to meet on this day, and this day comes… He’s no-where to be found. OR he makes excuses as to why he can’t live up his side of the agreement. I personally think it’s to much stress for someone you don’t even know.
He wants me to move in.
He wants you to move in, and you haven’t met in person? You’ve never had sex with him. You don’t know his habits or behavioral patterns. You don’t know his social circle, and you don’t know if you can truly trust him. Professionally, I’ll say this isn’t healthy, nor would I advise it. Personally, and as a friend, I’ll say: FUCKING RUN GIRL! RUN! DON’T LOOK BACK!
Seriously, you’re expected to give up your life, your family, and friends and then what? Move in with him and become disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, he may not end up being the problem. Your feelings may change if you allow yourself to move in with a stranger. When you’re riding the high, you’ll feel justified for moving in with him. But once that high comes down and the reality sets in… You’ll be disappointed in yourself. You’ll feel as if you’ve lost touch with that person you’ve created, and more importantly—your truth. We can move in with someone when we feel trust has been established, they’ve demonstrated they’re capable of meeting our needs, we’ve had enough time with them to know them and not their sales agent. Lastly, you don’t move in until he offers you a true commitment that takes your life to the next level, you know as an equal partner—where you don’t have to give up the best parts of yourself.
He Guilt Trips Me.
If any man, or woman for that matter guilt trips you, because you’re not running to them while throwing caution to the wind—should be eradicated from your life. Our career and livelihood must come before a relationship. Anyone that tells you otherwise, is advising you to put your life on the back burner and become a passenger to the makings of your own life. A controlling partner whom is guilting you, because you choose to put your life first isn’t concerned about your happiness nor your well-being. They’re only concerned with what you should be doing for them. Selfishness isn’t on the menu, so don’t order it!
In adult relationships, we don’t throw ourselves in situations without truly getting an understanding of what we’re getting involved in. People may say that you’re being controlling and difficult. But, let’s get real here… His guilt trips aren’t contributing to the overall quality of your life. The truth is, he’s guilting you, because he’s wanting to control and manipulate you, and we ALL know that controlling, manipulative behavior comes from deep seeded insecurities.
All too often gay men attempt to control the relationship dynamics, because they’re forced to address their abandonment issues, intimacy avoidant behavior, lack. Grown men that truly want the best for you will not only respect your time, schedule, and personal life; he will secure his time with you. He won’t demand your time, because he hasn’t earned it. Nor has positioned himself to become a high priority.
Should I Feel Guilty About Long Distance Dating and Relationships?
No, we shouldn’t feel any guilt about connecting with different people in the world. As I’ve stated, online dating provides us with a unique experience—which allows us to create many different types of relationships. The positive side to this is, we’re not limited to our city. Online dating can open our eyes to a whole new world, and we may in-fact learn a lot about different people along the way. If we can remember to not setup ourselves up for failure (loose-loose situations) by committing to people whom can’t provide us with our essential needs.