By: Brandon Jamil
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As I exit the grocery store I glance over to my left, and notice William shutting the trunk of his car. My heart begins to throb, because I want to go over and speak to him, but it’s been years. I push by him without being seen or having to speak. Once I make it to my car I quickly place my items into the back seat and sit in the parking lot for a few minutes. William, once the love of my life has become a stranger.
The first night we shared together he revealed his battle with epilepsy, and he cried to me. He’d recently divorced and lost his friends. The entire community turned their backs on him, because of his alleged shady past. William bemoaned that no one had ever been there for him except for his mother. I confessed my own tales of betrayal, deception, trickery. He didn’t care about my woes; he wanted to know the sensitive caged man hiding behind the masculine bravado.
A week later William invited me to come over for chocolate red wine. We’d discussed the many toxic relationships, pain he’d endured. Later that night he gently invited me into his bedroom. He could tell that I was impatient, so he made me wait while he freshened up. I restlessly lied on his bed, lit the candles and dimmed the lights. Thirty minutes later William came out of the bathroom with his dread locks wrapped in a towel. William sat on the bed and asked me to sit up while he reads my tarot forecast. I reluctantly agreed, and William proceeded to cut the deck.
William spread the cards in triangle formation and admitted he could see that I was living in fear. “You try to impress all of the men in this city, and you end up having nothing left. You must always choose yourself.” At this point I was uncomfortable that he could see through me; the abandoned, broken man whom held on to my warrior exterior that discarded emotional intimacy. The years of self-avoidance was written all over my face. I ended up redirecting the conversation by demanding that I give him a massage. Applying the baby oil on his body I began to shake uncontrollably. It was as if I had met my divine counterpart, and I remained paralyzed by his energy.
Once I had finished I attempted to seduce William. He allowed me to kiss on his body and hold him close. I was able to get an erection, but when the time came to enter I went completely limp. In my arms was a beautiful man who could see me, but I couldn’t perform. I felt as if I had died before him. I masked my humiliation by becoming irate. I screamed, and yelled, and blamed him for not being able to satisfy me. William turned around and looked at without a word. He sat up in the bed and turned the television on. We were quiet the entire night until it was time for me to go home. William walked me to my car, and we said our goodbye.
I didn’t hear from William for a week. In the interim I was baffled by my performance. I was known as the modern Don Juan, and all the men in the city loved me. I was able to seduce husbands, and they would confess their love for me by leaving their families. I had to connect from my heart to make love to him. I simply didn’t know how. Finally, I heard from William, and he agreed that we would meet for dinner the following night. I arrived at the restaurant and waited for William, but he did not show up. I blew up at him, blamed him for creating chaos in my life. William dismissed me and disconnected our phone call. Later that evening William returned my call and stated that his brother had passed away. He was despondent, and there was nothing I could do but tell him I am here for him if he needs me. As the weeks passed I held on to the hope that we would unite as lovers. After a month of texting, calling to no avail I knew that I couldn’t have him. I was shattered. How could a man see me so clearly, and understand everything about me disconnect? It was as if my soul was aching, and there was no place to hide.
I had become so obsessed that I went to his favorite store just to reminisce our first encounter. I was angry with God, I was angry at life, I was angry at my life. Why did I fall madly in love with a man whom had no intention on staying in my life? I mean I’ve read stories, watched T.V. shows of women behaving like this. But I never thought It would be me, and I felt it was unfair. A mutual associate informed that William had left town to be with his family and had no intentions on coming back. I called him; to no avail. He was gone without a trace. Now that I’ve seen him three years later in this parking lot… I can’t muster the courage to tell the man I had once loved how much he changed my entire life. Some people are destined to come into our lives and rip every wound open, and then their time is up. Their only job was to show us the power of our own heart.
©2018 Brandon Jamil All Rights Reserved.