A Pastors Regret

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By: Brandon Jamil.

My son and I arrive at the church. I finish my cigarette and throw it out of the window. “Wait here, I’ll be back,” I said to my son. Walking up to the church entrance I notice that the doors are locked. I ring the door bell, and the nun opens the door. “How can I help you Ms.?” The nun asked. I need the pastor, is he available?

The nun bows her head, and proceeds to shut the door. I sit on the church stairs and light another cigarette. Moments later the pastor approaches me. “My daughter how can I help you?” It’s my boy. His father caught him playing dress up in my clothes the other day. Last month we found his sisters dolls under his bed and he roll’s his shirt above his belly button. My son doesn’t play with any of the boys and stays to himself. His father doesn’t want him anymore. He said that he could never love a faggot, and he believes that we should give him up.

“Your husband believes your son is afflicted. What do you believe?” Xavier is a good kid. He makes decent grades; in-fact he is head of his class. He does what we ask of him. I am concerned about his soul father. If my son is gay he won’t make it to heaven. I can’t love him if he becomes a sinner. I can’t protect him. He will be lost in this world and be of two minds. My husband has every right to not want him anymore. He will only bring shame on my family.

“Years ago, I had a daughter whom we believed to be afflicted (at the time.) I had just become a pastor, and I refused to have a blasphemous child. In those times you had to keep homosexuality hidden, and quiet or your entire life could be ruined. All someone needed was an allegation and you were either committed to the ward or prisoned. I severed all ties between us. She was completely shunned from my family. We begged our daughter to be delivered from her afflictions, but she refused. Eventually she ran off and after some time she attempted to come home one holiday, but we turned our backs on her. My daughter couldn’t understand why we did not love her anymore. My wife and I lied to the public by saying she went on to study abroad. We couldn’t bare the judgment. In those times afflictions weren’t something you wore on your sleeve like today. My wife and I ended up having two more children, but we just couldn’t replace our first born. Years had passed, and my wife found out that our daughter died from a drug overdose. I went to go verify her body, and I must admit; even as a pastor I didn’t see a young woman whom was blasphemous. I seen my own flesh and blood gone forever. You can read about love from the bible, and you can preach it, save lives by it, but it’s far more challenging to live it. You see- Christ loved all sinners and saints alike. Those of us whom hear his call must answer, and be willing to help his children, and place our own pride aside. Had I understood the wisdom of the lord then I would have just loved my daughter. I would have helped her cultivate a loving relationship with God. I wouldn’t have condemned her from our family. It is not our responsibility to judge. We all carry our own burdens with God. In the end we all have a choice. That choice is honor God in all our ways. We must choose to be the example in the world.”

My husband will never stand for our son being a sissy. He will not have anything to do with my son’s life. I know that my husband will leave me if I don’t rid him from our life. We don’t want our family, and neighbors to disassociate themselves from us. We don’t want to be judged, so what you’re asking me to do is beyond anything my husband and I can handle. We love our son, but we don’t want to be humiliated.

“My daughter, I too had those same concerns. Now you must choose the quality of love that is in your life. You can choose superficial relationships, and public images. Or you can choose to love your child; the soul you brought into this world. Whatever conclusion remember you must be willing to look at yourself in the mirror. You both will have to stand before God and explain why you chose not to love his child as he has instructed you. Be wise in the choice you make, fore your soul always pays a price. You must ask yourself is losing your soul with the intention to avoid common gossip worth it?”

I bowed my head with shame knowing that I am willing to give my only son up for the approval of my community. The pastor walked inside the church and shut the door behind him. I am left the stair well, and walk back into my car, and I notice my son is asleep with his head pressed against the window. As I drove off I couldn’t shake the haunting images coming to mind that my husband and I hold hatred for our son. I know that I can’t give my up son, I don’t know how to love him unconditionally, but with God’s help I know we can come out of this stronger as a family. I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but I know tomorrow will take care of itself. May the lord be our love and see us through.


©2018 Brandon Jamil All Rights Reserved.

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