By: Brandon Jamil
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After dinner Maria and I go to bed. I wait for her to fall asleep, and I begin pondering about Santiago. Slightly vexed about hiding my love for another man behind my wife’s back. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I would have never imaged falling in love with another man after eight years of marriage. I was going to leave Maria after we’d had an argument about having children. She doesn’t want them, and it was clear to me that all she want’s is stability and her career. Our entire marriage is a lie; at-least it is for me. We go on dates twice a week, patron the same eateries, shows, and communities. Most of our friends are married, so we’re all pretending to be happy with the commitments we’ve made. Know one will ever admit it, but once you get married and it becomes steal there’s little you can do to fix it. Sometimes people just grow apart. The only thing worse is confessing that the marriage is falling apart and having to admit to everyone you’ve been living a lie.
The truth is: no one want’s to be a failure at their marriage. This is because it means we’ve failed ourselves first. Maria knows I am unhappy with this marriage, and she knows I don’t love her anymore. I barley touch her. Every time she makes advances at me I pretend I am too tired or I make another excuse. I know it’s wrong, but I love Santiago, and she can’t touch me or make me feel alive like he can. Santiago is married with three kids. He is also a television host. I know that he’ll never leave her for me. I remain contained here with Maria. When we send our wives on their women’s trip once every six months I get to hold him in my arms. He tells me that one day we can both just run away and start over. I also tell him how much I admire his imagination. Neither one of us can afford this scandal on our reputation. If my partners at the firm were to hear of this, I’d be finished. No person would consider me representing them.
Meanwhile, Maria continuously tries to spice up our marriage. She insists that we take a trip out of the country and rekindle. Other times she’ll redecorate the house to keep up appearances. Last month she purchased new panties. She honestly believed that it would make me want her again. Her eyes seemed so innocent as a child. I’ve learned with women you can’t fall for their seduction, because it’ll leave you confused and paranoid. Moreover, Maria didn’t want me until I stopped caring. The sad unspoken truth most men face is knowing you can’t truly love women whole heartedly. Women claim to want a man to cater to their emotions, etc. However, these are the same women that get bored in their marriages and leave their husbands for men who treat them like shit. As a man you learn early on to not feed into their emotionalism and completely disconnect. It tears women apart when they can’t manipulate or seduce their prey. Society can accept a woman cheating if her husband simply wasn’t there emotionally. If a man does it, his entire life is wrecked; alongside his bank account.
Apart of me wants to expand into international law and leave this marriage and house behind. I know Santiago isn’t coming with me. The most painful aspect of loving Santiago is knowing that he makes love to his wife. He’s good at pretending. His wife believes he is happy. Santiago’s wife doesn’t try as hard as Maria. I assume she has accepted that no one is perfect, and for her that can be enough. Perhaps that is one of the key elements we all forget in our marriage. We learn to depend on our partners for validation and security. Perhaps his wife believes he is happy with the illusion they both create. Personally, I don’t like her, and I want to her killed. Better yet I can poison her, and that’s one less headache I’d deal with on a weekly basis. He won’t have a choice to be with me. I have no clue what to do about those damn kids. They’re not mines, so private school may be best. It’s about time they learn how live life without us. There’s no doubt in my mind Santiago won’t be sad. However, he will get over it; we can always adopt our own set of kids.
I turn over and glance at Maria sleeping softly. Her hair covering her face, and she looks so peaceful. I pull her hair off her face, and lean in to kiss her, but I stop myself. I can’t give this woman false hope. One day I will have the courage to walk away from marriage and I’ll be with Santiago. I’m not concerned with breaking her heart. I am concerned with destroying my own existence.
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