Written By: Brandon Jamil
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Sitting across from Amara as she shuffles the tarot cards. She glances at me and then returns her focus on the deck. Amara begins to lay the spread out. Pulling her hair back and began our session.
“You have great power Greyson. Many passions live within you. Enormous talent, ability and determination. You end up feeling powerless in your life, because you give all your power away to them. You know the path you must take, and you don’t walk it. You wait for them to guide you; which for you is a false sense of hope. For one reason or another you hold back your power and allow them to dictate your life choices. Greyson I can see you love deeply, ah yes but the heart is broken,” Amara said.
“What do you mean give my power away to them? What do you mean by heartbroken? Look I left my last boyfriend and now I just want to know when the love of my life will find me? Should I move to another state? Do I need to change jobs? What do I need to do?” I asked.
“Your power lies within you and only you. You came here for answers, and not tools. You came here with the belief that all you had to do was pay $70.00 and all your life problems, and concerns would dissipate. So now you tell me, should you move to another state? Should you change jobs? When do you want to give a man your heart again? If your heart is open, you wouldn’t need to ask me such a question.”
“I paid you for answers! Not some self help answers that I can read in a book.”
“Simply tell me what you want for yourself. If what I am asking of you, I will give you a refund.”
“I roll my eyes sharply at Amara, and I am filled with rage. This woman is a side show attraction. I came here for answers and this bitch is only asking me questions. What a joke. I take a deep breath and comply. After-all, I can still get my refund,” I thought to myself.
“I want to move out of New Orleans and head to Los Angeles. There’s more creative opportunities, and it allows me to network and meet people that enjoy similar things. I want to begin dating again. But this time I want to try something different. I want to go to environments I’ve never been, which allows me to meet people I’ve never met or would have considered meeting. I feel that my current job drains the life out of me and honestly I don’t want to be emotionally depleted at the end of the day.”
“What is stopping you from fulfilling your life?”
“I don’t know what to do. I have never left home, I have never been apart from my family. I have only dated a race, and I’m afraid of being accepted in a big city such as Los Angeles. Sounds crazy, I know. All I day dream about is living in the city. I fantasize about doing art projects and having real authentic tacos and the beach! I can’t forget the beach. More importantly, I become consumed with the person I could be. The man who took a risk on life and didn’t allow fear to stop him. The man who knew his weaknesses and inabilities to follow through on his desires and did so anyway.”
“What’s stopping you from fulfilling your heart?”
“I don’t trust my heart anymore. Every time I’ve loved and given my all; It destroyed me. I don’t know how to allow myself to become vulnerable. I don’t know how to let another man in. I can’t accept another betrayal or defeat. I just can’t. When I was young, I had an open heart. I was loving and kind, I was available, and I was committed. I was told those are good qualities within a person. All that got me was heartbreak and sorrow. No one ever told me that love came with a price.”
“What is the price you paid?”
“I found myself. Time and time again, I’d allow myself to get lost in love. Or what I thought was love. Time and time again, I had to find myself. There is nothing more humiliating than loosing yourself respect and will to another person, and them watching you drown in your own self-pity. I refuse to throw away everything I’ve worked for just to fall again.”
“You will fall down again, you will get hurt and people will lie, betray you. That’s apart of life, and that’s never a question, but a fact of life. You must know you can catch yourself, and once you prove that to yourself you’ll free yourself from the fear. Trust is a funny thing, when you trust yourself, and your own instincts; you can be with others and know your limits. You don’t fear any of it because you understand that you never had control over them anyway. You realize that your worry and doubt is real, but it couldn’t save you. Only you can do that. Life is meant to be experienced, not to be feared.”
“If I should be hurt and betrayed why would I not use that fear and protect myself? Why wouldn’t I want to prevent people from damaging me? Why would I allow pain to enter my life?”
“There will come a time in your life when your heart is filled with joy and love. When this time comes the question will then be how much love I was able to give? How many people have I touched? How many lives have I impacted? If you’re lucky, you may just find another soul who loves unconditionally. That is reason enough to believe.”
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