Finding Love After Heartbreak

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BY Brandon Jamil

 Taking back the power of your heart and allowing yourself to love

“So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.”

-Paulo Coelho

After we experience unbearable heartbreak, apart of us dies. Parts of our hearts are torn, and our soul feels tarnished. Yet, we the feminine chooses to rise above the heart break, unsettling feelings of profound loss and grief. Being the bad ass feminine energy, we are, we’ve chosen to take some time to reflect, heal and evolve, level up, embody our truth for the next chapter in our lives. Then out of know where, we’ve met someone whom pulls our heart strings. This is a man whom respects and honors our feminine, this is a man whom is decisive and very clear on his intentions, actions. This man can only provide love, tenderness while embracing his masculine and balancing his feminine. It’s only natural to observe him closely, and okay let’s admit it… Test him a bit just to be affirmed that he is exactly who he presents himself to be. Because, he’s in-tune with us, he knows and is prepared for our entire being, and energy. Meanwhile we’re looking at him a-waiting for the next shoe to drop. “Someone must be playing a cosmic joke on me!” We say to ourselves. Though, deep down we know we’ve found the match that is needed in our present life cycle. And it’s in this moment the fear of being heartbroken again, resurfaces. The shadows of heart aches looms near us and still we remain in question- are we truly ready for love? Which is the most expansive pondering thought we can ask ourselves before nose diving into a new relationship. Here’s why….

You give yourself permission to explore your emotions.

A pivotal moment of our hearts expansion is going within in an authentic, and genuine way. We must know that exploring our emotions and allowing those fears to surface in-order to see the work we’ve invested into ourselves reflected at us. We must be willing to come face to face with the person we are today and embrace her. There’s no vestige of the woman of the past. This woman is secure within herself, knows her worth, understands her values and needs. This woman lives in her highest truth and isn’t grappling over the past, but thrives through any baggage or residue that abides within. You become the watcher of your life and feel these feelings deeply by not attaching yourself to them, observing them and making peace with whatever comes to surface. Everyone has their own way of exploring the emotions. I have shared a step by step pragmatic and effective way to explore these emotions and thoughts; we’ll get into the steps in a moment, but first things first. We’re not attempting to disparage ourselves nor are we attempting to re-live the stories we’ve told ourselves. We are simply allowing ourselves to have complete sovereignty over ourselves.

I want to move forward but my ex is still in the background…

Most of us have an ex whom is petulant; constantly nagging us and finding excuses to remain in contact with us. It’s time to cut the cord. You must communicate this to your ex! Though, it’s not their business to know what you’re doing with your life now. You have every right to inform him that you’ve moved on and you have no intention on furthering communication. You must set the boundary and not participate with him. You’re not that woman anymore and if you don’t have children, businesses or property with this person, it’s time to send him the walking papers and never look back. His response is solely on him, emails, text, phone calls… No longer exist. You have no room in your life to live in the past nor rehash the past. The present is calling you, lets get on with it.

Getting real with your fears

“Who see’s all beings in his own self, and his own self in all beings, looses fear.”

-Isa Upanishad, Hindu Scripture

In our culture we’re taught to run and mask ourselves behind a false facade’. We’re taught that it is the mask that protects and shields us from being damaged, hurt, shattered by life and love. Sure, we can masquerade this false self; people will fall in love with this person, we can be adored and even admired. This person isn’t The Eternal Bad Ass though. This false person has chosen to allow their fears to control and dictate their lives. This false person has run away from their own truth, in-turn can’t accept truth from others. Nor do they have the ability to create a truthful existence.

  1. getting real with our fears is simple… Acknowledging and identifying the fear. We identify the fear by getting REAL honest with the thoughts and emotions we have surrounding this fear. This can be done by journaling our emotions, thoughts. Also, by meditation, yoga, prayer. Whatever you do to think deeply and clear your mind, this is how you’ll be able to begin the dialog with yourself.
  2. Honor our emotions, thoughts. It’s so important that we love ourselves exactly where we are right now! We love and honor ourselves forward not abandon or hurt ourselves to get to the other side. Remember we’re in this for the long haul not some quick feel good fix.
  3. Accepting our emotions, thoughts, with acceptance comes change and transformation. Acceptance isn’t being okay with your current state, or situation. Acceptance means we’re able to be present with ourselves, we’re able to not resist what is. We can only begin to change by being present.
  4. Changing our thoughts and emotions. We change our thoughts by changing how we see ourselves. We can do this by replacing the old thoughts, stories that don’t serve us. It will feel uncomfortable at first because we’ve told ourselves stories that kept us small, which in turn trained us to only accept very little, requiring little, and expecting nothing. The more we change the story, the more natural it feels.

The Courage of Daring Greatly

“Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have hard conversations.”

-Brene’ Brown, PHD

Aside from doing the work, we must dare greatly with our partners. It is up to us to share our inner worlds with the person we love. They too, are deserving of exploring us. I remember a year ago, one of my good girlfriends complained about how her fiancé would never listen to her, or ask her about her inner world, etc. My retort? “Have you told him how you feel?” There was a slight pause between us, she said “You know, I never thought of it that way.” Our subconscious mind is programmed to believe that we must earn our worth outside ourselves. With this belief we hold an expectation for a man to provide us with self-worth that is inherently ours to begin with. Our worth isn’t something we must struggle with, nor is it something we must negotiate. By showing up brave enough to dare greatly, we’re honoring ourselves at our core and showing ourselves we’re worthy of the love, care, attention that we need.

The Role He Play’s in My life

“Relationships are where we go to heal.”

-Iyanla Vanzant Author

Relationships tend to bring out our subconscious beliefs about ourselves. It’s our beliefs that attract us to another person. In our past unconscious relationship dynamic, we play out our deep seeded pathology. Our partner may cheat, lie, steal, manipulate us, and we blame them. These actions are hurtful and we aren’t meant to hold on to someone else’s baggage. Returning this energy to the rightful owner is only the surface level of healing. Going beyond, deeper into ourselves we must understand that these triggers and patterns are only archetypal in nature. So, when we’ve experienced high levels of trauma in childhood we’re most likely going to experience our emotional patterns through adulthood because we haven’t healed them. Every partner we enter a relationship with serves us as a reminder to ALWAYS honor, care, tend, love, cherish and feed ourselves with the highest degree of self-respect. You see, fear can only survive when we’re unwilling to address the voids within ourselves. Author, Feminist, Business Woman Kelly Cutrone once stated in an interview on Q TV in 2010, that she purposely makes her daughter watch Disney movies. When the movie is over, she asks her daughter… “What would the princess do if he never saved her?” When we save ourselves, we then can share ourselves from the space of unconditional love. This man is willing to love you, all of you, now allow him to love true Eternal Bad Ass you know yourself to be.

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