Written By: Brandon Jamil
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Finding Out He’s a Narc and What to Do Next?
Yesterday, I received an email from one of my subscribers whom asked me about Narcissism. While I hold the confidentiality of our tribe members sacred; in which I won’t share the personal details encompassing this person. I decided to share information about narcissism so that you can hopefully spot the signs of these individuals before emotionally investing or having to pick the pieces of your life. As I have hands on experience with dealing with narcs, from family members to deranged ex boyfriends; I didn’t have in depth information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In dealing with people that have this mental condition it almost destroyed the fabric of my life, and I was left feeling betrayed, confused, lost and I felt that my soul was robbed. It wasn’t until I sought therapy, and my support team did I get a deeper understanding of what and who I was truly dealing with. If you believe you’re currently in a relationship with a narcissist, or you’ve just escaped from their grasp over your life and or you feel that someone you’re dating could potentially be a narcissist, this article is for you. In this article we will be able to first understand the psychological conditioning of narcs, identify the red flags, what to expect from the narcs and how to heal and move forward and protect yourself from this toxic person and the aftermath of their havoc. Before you continue to read, don’t forget to comment, like, share and subscribe to this website.
What Exactly Is a Narcissist?
The term we use to describe this condition is Narcissistic personality disorder. An article on psychologytoday.com referenced Narcissistic personality disorder from the American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Which states that the hallmarks of NPD are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. It is said that people with this disorder are described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. The article further states that people with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. The association enhances their self-esteem, their self-esteem typically is highly delicate and fragile under the surface. These individuals are prone to seek excessive admiration to gain validation from others, which is their confirmation that people think highly of them. Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder find it challenging and nearly impossible to handle criticism or rejection; feeling humiliated.
How Do I Spot a Narcissist?
Most narcissist elicit at least five of these symptoms.
- Exaggerates their own importance.
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty and intelligence.
- Idealize the perfect romance.
- Believes to be special and can only be understood by other people whom believe their special and or institutions.
- Requires constant attention, admiration, validation from others.
- Holds unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment.
- Will take advantage of others to reach his or her own desired goals.
- Lacks empathy.
- Is often envious of others or believes other people are envious of them.
- Holds a haughty behaviors and attitudes.
Mind Games and Tactics the Narcissist Play.
While experiencing the Narcissist they’ll typically love bomb you. Loving bombing is a tactic that is used to delude you into loving them. This is applied by gift giving, any forms of extravagance from day one. This is highly charming and puts their victim (you) at ease with opening to them emotionally. It’s normal to feel safe around these individuals because they understand what you need to hear and what you need in-order to manipulate you at their will. You don’t know this or sense danger because you’re enthralled, captivated by their charm.
Often-times these individuals use the tactics of gas-lighting you. Gas-lighting is a tactic that used to control, confuse your sense of perception pertaining to their actions, behavior. Recall a time where you stated to this individual that their behavior was unacceptable, or you’ve stated a concern that was troubling to you or the relationship, this individual will make you wrong, and tend deflect it back on you. This tactic is meant to make you lose a grip of reality and distort your sense of self. Because many of these individuals are equipped, skilled to manipulate and destroy you- they know this will only allow them to continue their actions and behavior that is demeaning, hurtful, and shatters our self- respect and self- esteem. As time continues you’ll walk around them feeling as if everything is your fault. And it’s because you hold this belief of yourself, you will attempt to do everything in your power to make changes that suit them.
Dangling the carrot is another tactic used to abuse, confuse and exhausts you. When the dangling carrot is applied, they’ll give you an inch of hope for a new beginning or progress being made within the relationship and then suddenly go cold, or in some cases abandon you. These individuals know you’ll chase them because you don’t understand why they’ve disconnected from you or grew cold. Now you’re confused as to why or how this could happen. They understand that they’ve diminished your sense of self, so you end up looking insane questioning them for this behavior.
What Should I expect when leaving the Narcissist?
If you leave the Narcissist before they’ve secured a new source of supply, they will seek revenge on your life and declare war on your well-being. These individuals will feel wounded that you’ve gathered the strength and courage to leave them. Their personal feelings of unworthiness, emptiness and darkness will emerge. Expect the Narcissist to begin the self-destructing phase. This will include stalking you on social media, sending their family or friends after you. Also, this means they will have no problem harassing you at work, harassing your family members, other associations you have- with the intentions on destroying your reputation. The time they’ve spent love bombing you, they’ve collected a mental note of every secret, complaint and pains, fears you have. This is where they’ll attempt to use them against you. Their goal when feeling wounded is to control your life, “If I can’t have you no one will,” OR “I will destroy your life, so no one else will want you.” Some narcissist will place themselves as the victim of the situation. This manifest as them telling your network that you’ve hurt them, you’re the one whose destroyed them; they do this to gain empathy from others so that their image isn’t destroyed, and you become the aggressor. At times, they can convince your network that they’re the victim because the image and personality is flawless to your network. This is to say; your network hasn’t been exposed to the cracks behind the mask they choose to wear.
When you leave, it’s normal for the narcissist to elicit emotional tenderness such as “We can work this out,” “I didn’t mean to do this or that,” “You know I act this way because of this or that.” This emotional tenderness is an act to get you back into their grip. If you go back, they’ll elude you into believing that their treatment towards you will improve, because after all you’re their world and really can’t imagine their life without you. It’s normal for most of us to accept the apology, to accept their promise of changing because we’re still holding on to the image of the person we fell in love with. Not thinking about the image of the person whom tried to sabotage you.
The Narcissist left me… I don’t know what to do!
When the narcissist leaves you, it’s because they’ve secured a new supply to replace you. To the world it’ll appear as if they’ve upgraded. This new person could be more accomplished than you, dresses better than you, looks better than you, has a stronger impact on culture, etc. This was strategic on their end. They chose someone in a higher position in life because it doesn’t make them look bad. In-turn making you appear to the be the problematic ex- whom caused them pain. Now, their social circle (If they have one) looks at you as the burden of the past. If you’re experiencing this try your best to view this as a moment of grace. You’ve dodged a bullet. Keep in mind that the narcissists new supply is just as blind to their narcissism just as you were in the beginning. In some incidents the narcissist will get married soon after leaving you. Again, this was all strategic and the new person isn’t so new. While they were busy intentionally knocking you down, they made sure to secure another person. You couldn’t see the signs because you were in a daze attempting to find your footing.
You’ve mentioned supply, what is supply?
The narcissist is like a parasite, feeding and sucking the life out of their supply (you). Once they’ve sucked the life force out of their supply, they must go on to another source of supply to sustain themselves. You are their supply, and sustainable life force.
What actions do I take to remove myself from the Narcissist?
Once you’ve confirmed that their a Narcissist or have narcissistic personality traits, you must plot your escape. If you live with the narcissist you need to leave when they’re not home. If that is not an ideal situation, you need to contact your local authorities and ask them to escort you out of the home. Especially if the narcissistic individual has a history of violence or keeps you hostage. You must delete and block them from all forms of social media, and have all your mutual family, friends do the same. You must apply this to your email as well. You will most likely have to change your number, blocking in most cases won’t stop the narcissist from asserting themselves in your life. You must speak to the management and HR at your job. Let them know you’re dealing with an ex-partner whom is emotionally unstable and ask them what the policy of harassment at the job is. You will need to contact your local authorities. This will be due to the narcissist potentially harassing you at your job, or your job and home. By notifying your company’s management, they’ll be able to protect you when the shit hits the fan. You will most likely want to file a report to have a record of harassment, and witnesses at your job that have observed this behavior. If the harassment and threats continue you must file a restraining order against this person. Often Narcissist will beat you to the punch and begin a smear campange. The narcissist attempts to go to the police or pursue a legal case, you’ll have documented cases of the harassment. Keep in mind the Narcissist will make idol threats, with hopes that you remain ignorant to the law. If the narcissist states that you’re harassing them. I have personally had someone lie and say I harassed them; calling them from a private call. In these situations, you must provide a print out from your phone company showing the PROOF that you aren’t contacting them. You must keep all emails, text messages from the narcissist. You must keep everything, including statements from your company’s management as well. In the end, if they choose to seek revenge and delight in your life crumbling, you’ll have every shred of evidence. Also, have your family members, friends keep voicemails, emails of the narcissist defaming your character. No matter what is done truth will always prevail.
How do I heal?
During departure, and the aftermath you’ll notice your body beginning to diminish. You’ll feel fatigued, exhausted. You may stop eating or over eating, you’ll look as if you’ve been hit by a car and decided to get up and continue with life. Your currently in survival mode, and the emotional wounding from all of this has not caught up to you. When it does I would suggest speaking to a therapist. Also, I’d suggest joining a support group network that focuses on healing from the narcissist. Allowing you to connect, relate to others that have gone through this experience. This in-fact will allow you to not feel isolated, fearful. Support groups are conducted by licensed therapist, and or people whom experienced similar circumstances and will help you gather, rebuild yourself esteem step by step. You can go to www.Supportgroups.com www.narcissisticabusesupport.com
If you can’t afford a therapist, do a google search for group therapy pertaining to healing from a narcissist, you’ll find that group therapy is generally affordable. When I went to group therapy, I spent $25.00 a week. Also, the websites that I have provided for you, have resources and information you may find invaluable.