By Brandon Jamil
He isn’t your life’s purpose!
The real reason you wait around, how you can stop now!
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When you first met him, you felt that you were on a magic carpet ride. You felt that the heavens had opened a door way to love just for you. In the beginning he was everything you’d dream of. The elaborate dinners, romance that through you in whirlwind of ecstasy. You, like many of us thought he was madly in love with you. Hell, you even told your girlfriends and posted pictures of the two of you on social media.
This was until you awakened from your dream and reality slapped you in your face, fell from grace. You started to realize that you were always on his time, if his plans infringed on your schedule you’d simply put your life and plans on hold because… You love him. “No big deal” You thought- “I can do it later, or I can wait to do this or that,” or you make excuses as to why his life was more important than yours.
Time has passed you by, and you realize that your life has taken a back seat to someone else, the same girlfriends you’d brag and gossip about your prince charming to can’t recognize you anymore and the life you once had is nothing more than a distant memory. So, you begin to think about who you wanted to be, the promises you made to yourself and now your left to wonder how his life is more significant than yours.
Like most of us, we wait until we’ve had enough vs addressing the problem directly, we become passive. He expresses his new promotion, his new business ventures, fulfillment in his life and we resent him. Every time he calls or comes home with some new idea, or course of action it’s like a knife stabbing us and we honestly stop listening. “It’s his fault for how our life has turned out,” “If only he would have done this my life would look like…” And it continues.
But you see, his life is intact, he has found a way to balance his personal fulfillment and his relationships, he’s not playing back to NO ONE! It has never occurred to him that he doesn’t have to wait around for you to make choices that’ll empower him to be the best version of himself. He simply owns his life and yours too!
I know what you’re thinking, Yeah, I can see myself playing back seat to a man but what can I do now? How am I going to fix the problem and have my relationship? “Men aren’t required to be empathetic and nurturing.” I remember saying this to a good girlfriend of mine years ago, when I too was playing backseat to a man. The problem with this thinking isn’t that we’re loving, nurturing and supportive.
The challenge is you being willing to place yourself in your own driver’s seat again despite your romantic relationship. Owning your own life outside of him, being the person, you truly need to be for yourself. Now this is way easier said vs doing it. You’ve become a passenger (passive participant in the makings of your own life) At this moment life is asking you to take back your power and control for yourself.
Yeah okay… But how?
I can’t tell you how many women I’ve personally discussed this with and within moments light bulbs of empowerment came. By simply remembering who you were BEFORE you met him. You must embody those feelings, remember the activities that you did that sparked a true sense of self, independence in you. Remember planning your life for you and only you? Do you remember that person? That’s person you need to become, now! Take baby steps if you must. Example: If you loved to take cooking classes on Tuesday, go to the yoga studio every Sunday, and study another subject throughout the week, and by Friday you’d go out with your girlfriends… You would take one step towards that every week. At-least one thing for yourself week. It doesn’t matter how small or large it is. What matters is you gain your self-respect back step by step. Start with something that you can do on your own; this way you gain your sense of self without becoming dependent on others validation. In this stage of building your self-esteem, it can be easily shattered by a negative comment, the personal opinions others, overwhelming feedback/ expectations i.e. “you’re not doing enough of this and that.” You surround yourself with people whom want to see you thrive in your life. These people compliment the dedication you have for yourself.
I hear you but I was never that person!
I am not that person but how I can become that person?
A few years ago, I hosted a pod cast where I interviewed several mental health experts and spiritual teachers about mental health, wellness. It was during this time that many women would call in and ask similar questions about their self-esteem. I have found that to have a strong sense of self you must align your internal and external world so that you have minimal conflicts within yourself. You would execute this plan of action by first understanding your core values. It is here that you would make choices that honor your values, this effects all aspects of your life; dating, relationships, career, finances, etc. You can and will only make choices that align with your core sense of self. The moment you choose to act out of that you take responsibility for those choices. You slowly begin the process of trusting each choice you make because each choice you make honors you first. Gradually you’ll notice that you simply can’t place others needs before your own. You won’t play back seat because you won’t feel the need to give yourself to others without needing to give to yourself. I must advise you that not having self-esteem is a learned pathology, and it can take some time to embody the person you desire yourself to be. As, I’ve said before take baby steps and remember to be kind to yourself. You are worth it.
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